Gods ain’t gonna help you son
You’ll be sorry for what you done
Them gods gonna hurt you son
When you play with a loaded gun
~ The Pantheon (recommended listening)
FINALLY done with this!! I’ve always loved alt-histories, and I suppose that includes within my fandoms. It’s fun to think about how the trolls might be interpreted had they actually won properly and fully ascended to godhood in a healthy universe, especially with how stories and legends morph and change over time.
Twelve gods with golden crowns, eight children to usurp them.
also totally tagwhoring this one, I’ve been working too long on it for it not to be SEEN
Dear guy who just made my burrito:
Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM TO ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans cannot usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito and not a multi-stage rocket to the planet Fucking Disgustingupiter.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing life a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer this nonsense. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER.
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
My second time reblogging this and its still fucking hilarious
its a shame i probably would have found this really funny but seriously who has the patience to read the whole thing
really? you must have the attention span of a goldfish then, if you don’t have the willpower to sit yourself down and read a few paragraphs of something. Whatever, sucks for you cause’ this was really fucking funny.
if anyone ever made a burrito like that here
theyd be exiled for blasphemy
“You know what?” Nepeta looked over at John. “You’re soooo right! I can just wash this thing and it’ll be like new!” Then she pawsed and said quietly, “Thank you,” She gave John’s jacket back to him.
He laughed, “you’re welcome, now come on, you still got to get back to your dorm, then you can wash your hat.” He threw his jacket over his shoulder and started to run to the garden, although he expected more rain.
He nodded at her, “it’s worth a shot at least.” He took the lead again, wondering if they could even find it with the current weather. At the door, he tossed his jacket over Nepeta’s head to give her extra protection from the rain, not letting her react as he quickly walked outside, glancing around for the hat. It should be the brightest thing in the currently grim surroundings.
Nepeta held the jacket close to her and walked slowly outside so she wouldn’t sleep. As she stepped over a puddle, she looked down at the puddle, and screamed. “Look at this!” She had seen something in the puddle. Nepeta picked up the something, scraped the mud off, which revealed her hat! “It’s so dirty, but I have it at least,” Nepeta tried her best to sound happy, but she sounded a bit sad actually.
He went back over to her, putting his hand on her arm, “it’s better than nothing for sure,” he tried to reassure her. “I’ll walk you to your dorm?” he started to pull her back inside the main building to at least escape some of the rain.